


Mountains Sunk Below the Sea

by x_carnivale_x (commodorecliche)



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Afterlife, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Angst, Death, Dreams, Fantasy, Happy Ending, M/M, Magic, Magical Realism, Reunion, Reunion after death, Romance, Separated Lovers, Sleep, Suicide, Whimsy, sandman - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-08
Updated: 2014-11-08
Packaged: 2018-02-24 13:06:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2582447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commodorecliche/pseuds/x_carnivale_x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Zachary Quinto died on a Tuesday. At 9:34 pm in Los Angeles, California. </i>
</p><p> </p><p>Following a fatal accident, Zach becomes a Sandman. He is one of millions of dead who tend to human dreams as they sleep. He creates elaborate worlds for his dreamer, Chris, full of memories and hopes and wishes, desperately clinging to the man he was forced to leave behind, somehow hoping that Chris might someday realize that Zach never wished to leave him. Somehow hoping that the two of them will be brought back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Character Death, Suicide 
> 
> The title of this work was derived from Brand New's song [Play Crack the Sky](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OyIX84ti7ao). And the lyrics at the beginning are from Dear Euphoria's song [Coming Down](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CyNPwdtvTg).
> 
> WONDERFUL, INCREDIBLE ART was made by the amazingly gifted [kanarek13](http://kanarek13.livejournal.com). A complete complilation of the art she created for this story can be found [HERE](http://kanarek13.livejournal.com/50805.html). Seriously, you should ALL go check it out, because she's incredible. Thank you, sweetie!!! 
> 
> WONDERFUL, INCREDIBLE FANMIX by [camellie](http://camellie.livejournal.com). A tracklist of the mix she created for this story can be found [HERE](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2553827). Go listen to it! She has made an amazing compilation of songs for this story! Thank you, darlin'!

_I can catch the falling stars._  
_They make the darkness brighter_  
_Even though they burn holes in my hands._  
_I can dive into the water, so deep, I can’t breathe;_  
_'Cause, there, I feel things you won't understand._

Zachary Quinto died on a Tuesday.

At 9:34 pm in Los Angeles, California.

Zachary Quinto died 2 hours, 29 minutes, and 7 seconds after his final argument with one Christopher Pine. He goes by Chris and is listed on file as the person Zach considered to be closest to his heart.

Time after Zach's death would have been catalogued, if not for the fact that time after death had no relative meaning anymore. Time kept after death was no longer time that mattered. Time kept after death simply wasn't kept.

The last Zach remembered was yelling at Chris and storming out of his suburban house - number 2134 - in the evening hours. He remembered he had slammed the bright red wooden door - the only red door on the block - in hopes that it would shake the foundation of the house. The last he would come to remember was his head cracking against the steering wheel of his Toyota and his sense of gravity becoming quite skewed as the car tumbled on top of itself into the nearest ditch. He would think only of the red door to Chris's home in his fading moments.

Zachary Quinto died on a Tuesday evening. A little past 9:30. While Christopher Pine sat at home and thought about the argument that had ensued two and a half hours prior.

 

::

Zach woke up at some unimportant hour. Some uncatalogued hour after 9:34 pm that no longer meant anything. He awoke with an itching in his eyes and a strange sense of disconnection. The room he awoke to was poorly lit and he felt very tired as his bleary eyes scanned the room. He rubbed at his eyes, rubbing the crusty bits in the corners out of the way, as if waking from a long, deep dream. The room was dim, but not dark, and he saw he was surrounded by doors. If he had spoken, he would have called the doors infinite, for no matter where he seemed to look, there were more and more and more of them. More doors than a circular room should have any right to contain.  


He sat up and glanced around, looking for some clue, some hint as to where he might be, but found nothing. He let his eyes adjust further and glanced over each of the doors, studying their numbers and features with a sense of intrigue. Each door was different. Some black, some dark oak, some mahogany, and then.... one bright red door standing alone in the blackness in the middle of them all.

Zach braced himself on his palms and pushed himself up to stand. The ground felt rough beneath his fingers, sandy, and grainy, and it stuck to his hands and his pants. Once he stood he brushed himself off and rubbed his hands together, eyes still fixed intently on that one red door, that one, bright red door with the golden numbers _2134_ on the frame. He strode towards it gingerly, still glancing over his shoulder at the infinite other doors strewn around the room - all seemingly drab in comparison to this one. He reached his hand out, wrapped his fingers around the knob. He tried to turn it but it refused. Zach tried to hold it more firmly, resting his other hand on the wooden panels of the door as he shook the knob harder. But again, it merely rattled and refused to turn for him. Normally he would just find the key that Chris kept in the plant on the front steps but there was no plant here, no steps either, for that matter. Just an empty blackness surrounding the door.

He jiggled the knob once more in frustration and sighed. His eyes drifted up to stare along the top edge of the door frame, looking for something that it might be attached to, but there was nothing. Just a void. Suddenly, as he was inspecting the frame, a voice startled him as it echoed emptily throughout the room.

"That one's not yours, yet, you know?"

He turned around quickly and his eyes landed on a young-looking, dark skinned woman. Her hair was long and curly, draping down to her shoulders, and it framed her face delicately. She wore a black pants-suit with a red blouse and red kitten heels that seemed to perfectly accent her dark brown skin. She had a look about her - a look that emitted confidence and tenderness simultaneously. She strode towards him, the clicks from her heels resounding in the darkness.

"Excuse me?" Zach asked.

She smiled at him, a coy but understanding smile.

"This door - it isn't yours."

Zach furrowed his brow, "I don't, I don't understand."

"He's not yours... Not yet, at least. For now, that door's mine."

"Who isn't mine?"

"Oh, you know who. But..." she smiled again, "you can have him if you'd like. In time. He would be yours eventually anyway."

"...Who _are_ you?"

She extended her hand towards him.

"Let me show you, Sandman."

Zach fixed his eyes on her face, trying his best to read her expression, but she gave nothing away. But with only a moment’s hesitation, he took her hand.

 

::


	2. How About a Memory?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Zach begins to understand what has happened to him.

The moment her fingers touched his, the room suddenly began to fade, the plethora of doors receding slowly back into the blackness of the abyss that seemed to surround him. The next thing he heard was the ocean. He couldn't see it, but he could smell it and hear it, the way the sounds of the waves wisped against his ears, the wet ocean sand moving around with the ebb and flow of the tide. It was as if it were all around him, no real localization to the sound, just a deep envelopment. He could feel sand beneath his now bare feet. It was night outside - or at least, it was dark - though he couldn't see any stars. When he looked up, he found the same, empty darkness above him, the same kind darkness that was where he thought the sea should be. He glanced around again for the woman, and found her standing a few feet behind him. 

"Where are we right now?" He asked, his voice barely carrying over the roar of the ocean waves. The corner of her lip quirked upward and she shrugged half-heartedly. 

"Nowhere, really... It doesn't really matter, either." 

Zach sighed, and laughed a little.

"I swear, you could not be more cryptic if you tried." 

She chuckled lightly and stepped towards him. The smile faded from Zach's face before he spoke again. He could feel the sands beneath his toes, could feel the salty air against his skin, but could not explain the sense of calm and disconnection he felt. 

"This is where I come to build." She had a soft touch to her voice, as if it it should have been obvious to Zach, but that she understood why it wasn't. She reached down and grabbed a little bit of sand and toyed with it in her palms before pouring it into a small red bag she had pulled from her jacket pocket. Zach eyed her movements with curiosity.

"I feel like I should be afraid right now... So why am I not afraid?" 

She shrugged again, stowing the bag away back into her pocket. 

"Because there's no reason to be."

"...You called me something... Earlier... What did you call me?" 

She tilted her head with a look on her face that Zach simply could not read. 

"Let me show you my door." 

Zach had no choice but to follow her as she turned and strode away into the starless, black horizon.

****

::

It took no time at all - but Zach was beginning to feel as if time didn't really matter here. Space seemed to be more of a guideline than a rule here as well, because it only took a few strides before he found himself on hard ground again. He could still feel the sand sticking to the pads of his feet though, the floor beneath him felt as if someone had just run inside from the beach with their shoes still on and tracked the grains all over the tiles. He liked the way it felt, it reminded him of... well, he wasn't really sure what it reminded him of... home, perhaps. It felt familiar. As his eyes scanned his environment, he saw the doors again - all the beautiful and drab and interesting and dull doors. But his eyes quickly fixated on that bright, red door again.

The woman led him towards it and placed her hand on the knob. It opened for her with ease and she motioned for Zach to follow her. Walking through the frame felt so familiar, like a blanket had just wrapped around him. And he expected to emerge into Chris's front hallway, but instead found himself standing in the doorway of Chris's bedroom. He fixed his eyes on Chris, lying asleep in their bed, and he stepped around the woman and moved towards the bedside.  


Chris lay in the middle of the California King, with the dark, black sheets that Zach had so quickly learned to love, draped loosely over his hips. He rested on his side, curled up tightly, his phone cradled in his hands. He wore a faded blue v-neck shirt that Zach quickly recognized as his own. Zach looked at his face; he was pale, his skin ashen and drab, he looked nothing like Chris ever should look. His eyelids seemed red and puffy, and his brow was wrinkled with what appeared to be worry... or grief. Zach couldn't tell.

"Is he... is he okay?" Zach asked hesitantly.

"He's mourning." She replied quietly. 

"Dare I ask who he's mourning?"

The woman paused before answering. 

"You, Zach." 

Zach craned his head around to look at her. He wanted to ask her why, why on Earth would Chris be mourning him, but he already knew the answer. He decided not to ask simply as a way of avoiding the truth he already felt bubbling beneath his skin.

"Could he... see me? If I woke him?" 

"You can't wake him. And even if you could, he wouldn't see you." 

Zach didn't say anything, instead he strode towards the bed and sat on the edge. He felt the mattress dip under his weight, he felt its cushion against him. He reached his hand out to touch Chris's stubbled cheek, but as his fingers came into contact, he could hardly feel the roughness of the hair, or the softness of his skin. It was as if his fingers passed right through, despite the contact Zach was sure he was making. Zach felt his chest tighten and it suddenly became hard to swallow. Zach wanted to feel him. He wanted so desperately to feel him. Chris's face was troubled, his mouth in a taut frown, brow creased and eyes restless under his eyelids. Zach closed his eyes, remembering vaguely the steering wheel of his Toyota. Remembering the feeling of tumbling over and over again. Remembering the stillness that followed.

"I'm dead, aren't I?" Zach said softly, his eyes not leaving Chris's face. "This is death..." 

"I'm afraid so..." 

Zach didn't reply – couldn’t reply; there was nothing he could ever say to reply to that. Instead, his tongue grazed over his lips again and tried again to touch Chris's face. There was silence in the room for a few moments before the woman cleared her throat quietly.

"So," she started, "What should we give him?" 

He turned to look at her once more. 

“Give him?" 

"How about..." she pulled that same small, red bag from her jacket pocket and pulled the draw string to open it, "How about a memory?" She dipped her fingers into the bag and pulled out a pinchfull of sand and dropped it into her palm. She stepped past Zach and leaned forwards towards Chris, her hand out flat, the sand resting in her palm. She blew lightly, sending swirling grains of blue and red and purple dancing over and around Chris's head before they settled over his eyes and faded. "A memory of you should do just fine." She said as she stood straight again.

Chris's face relaxed very quickly, a small, serene smile lilting onto his full lips. Zach watched as he nuzzled his head deeper into the pillow and extended his arm across the bed to touch the dent in the mattress where Zach had always slept. Zach watched as Chris's arm reached to touch him, to find him, but met only the mattress and the sheets. Zach wished he had never shouted, he wished suddenly that he had never fought with this man, had never made him hurt, had never left, had never slammed that bright red door. Things could have been different. 

A gentle grip on his shoulder commanded his attention but he didn't turn his gaze away from Chris. 

"Come now," the woman said, "We'll be back again, I promise."

****

::


	3. The Music Makers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things are explained little by little.

Zach followed her out reluctantly and back into the room of infinite doors. 

"Where do they all lead?" Zach asked, pointing to the other doors. 

"Anywhere and everywhere; the others will be around soon enough to tend to their doors." 

"Why aren't they here now?"

"Different time zones." She quipped with a quick wink and a smile. Zach smiled half-heartedly back at her, but found it hard to fully grin. She bumped his shoulder with her own. "Don't be too glum. It happens to us all." 

"I keep... just kind of hoping this is all some crazy delusion. I keep hoping maybe I'll wake back up in my car. But somehow, I don't think that's going to happen." 

"Unfortunately, it won't." 

"I suppose there are worse places to go after you die..." There was a quick pause, "Should I ask how long it's been? Since I, um... passed?" 

"About a week, I think. They had the funeral already."

Zach's eyes hit the floor and he breathed a quiet, steady breath, but said nothing. She caught his gaze as he looked back up. 

"It takes time to adjust. But you have all the time in the world now." 

Zach gave her a small nod and breathed in deeply, before speaking directly at her.

"So..." he pressed, trying to change the subject. "This is what you do?" 

"This is what many of us do." She smirked at him, "We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams." 

"Arthur O'Shaughnessy." Zach said with a nod. 

"Willy Wonka." She retorted with a grin. Zach laughed. 

"Same difference." 

She giggled, but said nothing. Zach spoke again, quietly. 

"There must be millions of you." 

"Of us? Yes. Millions of people die. Millions more need dreams. Not everyone comes here though. Some go elsewhere; do other things." 

"Heaven?" 

"Ah... Nah. If there is a god or a heaven," she said, "I've yet to hear of it. No, a lot of us come here. But some do other services. They become intuition. Or guidance. Some special snowflakes get to be the seasons; aren't they fancy?" She laughed. Zach hardly knew what to say. Instead, he asked the only thing he could think to ask.

"So... who are you? Or, who were you?"

The woman breathed deeply before replying, her breath sliding past her lips and nostrils in a sigh. "I don't much remember who I was, to tell you the truth. But here, they call me Lily." 

"Lily." He said softly, letting the name settle on his tongue. It felt nice to say a name, comforting, almost. "Will I forget too? I mean... Forget who I am?" 

"That depends." 

"On what?"

"Oh... A lot of things, I suppose. Mostly if you choose to." She glanced around as other figures began to appear out of the blackness - sliding in and out of their doors seamlessly. "Some of them are with their very firsts still, their original dreamer. Others drift; some have had hundreds, if not more. Chris was not my first and nor is he my last." 

"How do you... I don't know, find your dreamer?"

"Typically it's the person you value most. Other times, it's whoever needs you. Chris, in this case, is both. And he'll be yours."

"Who was your first?" 

"Someone from a life I've long since forgotten." Lily replied listlessly. Zach decided it was better not to press further. 

"Will I forget him?" he asked instead.

"Only if you choose to... There's a reason he's yours."

"I don't want to forget him." Zach stated matter-of-factly, shaking his head lightly.

Lily smiled kindly. 

"Then don't." 

"Why are you helping me?" 

"I couldn't very well let you flounder around on your own, could I?" Zach smiled, and Lily continued to speak. "Chris will no longer be my assignment; he's going to be yours. I didn't have to stay and help you out. I've got a new assignment somewhere, waiting on me. But... I do know what's it like... Coming here way before your time. I would've killed - if you'll pardon the expression - to just have someone here to tell me it was all gunna be okay." 

Zach licked his lips and glanced down. Lily put her hand on his chin and raised his head. 

"And it _will_ be okay, Sandman. I promise." She patted his cheek gently with a smile, before stepping back away from him. "Why don't you roam around for a bit? I need to check my other door." 

"How will you find me?" 

"It's actually pretty easy when you aren't restricted by space, time, or physics." She said with a laugh. "I'll find you." 

And with that, Zach watched as she faded into the blackness. 

****

::

At first, Zach could only stare at the spot where Lily had been standing. It was empty now; no trace left behind of her presence. He breathed deeply and focused his attention on the door. Could he go in it again? It hadn't opened for him earlier... It had only opened when Lily had been present. But maybe that was only because that door wasn't "his" yet. She _had_ said it was his now. So would it open again? He just needed to be in there once more, just for a little while. He approached the door slowly, almost worried it might disappear as easily as Lily had. But the red was still so vibrant; the gold numbers still glistening as he approached it. He stood directly in front of it then, not but half an arm's length away now, and reached forward to the doorknob.

It was cool to the touch, and he turned it slowly, surprised to feel it give way to his motions with ease. The latch clicked and it eased open slowly. Zach felt a small flutter in his stomach as he paused before pushing it open further. He let it open only about halfway and was surprised when he found he couldn't actually see inside. He would have to step forward this time. He willed himself to step past the threshold and into the darkness. Unlike his first time through this door, he actually expected to appear in Chris's bedroom again, he was confused when he actually found himself in the foyer. Zach was convinced this place was on a mission to keep him guessing.

The house was dark, from what Zach could tell. He had not moved past the foyer yet, but he leaned forward, trying to glance down the hallway into the open living room. Chris always loved windows, and had insisted upon floor to ceiling glass panes for the living room. Zach was always worried about their privacy, but Chris always told him he was too paranoid, and that a couple big windows looking over their back yard couldn't hurt. Zach was so thankful for those windows now. From his stance in the foyer, he could just make out the moonlit backyard. He could see the moon and stars in the sky. The sudden was of relief he felt was indescribable and vastly unexpected. Seeing the moon, just there, in his view made him feel less distant, less removed from the world he had left. A shaky breath quaked through his chest and he turned towards the stairs and started up them slowly towards Chris's bedroom. He watched his feet as he ascended them. Chris's house was a little older; the floorboards liked to creak and groan at the slightest pressure. But Zach noticed that they did not creak beneath his steps. Suddenly, any relief and connection he had felt a moment before dissipated in an instant. He once again felt removed and unreal again; reminded that this was not his world anymore. 

He shook his head and continued up, trying to forget the silence that surrounded his intrusion. Upon reaching the bedroom, he did not hesitate to push the door open. It always creaked, just like the stairs, but Zach knew it would not creak for him, not now. It would never creak for him again. It opened silently and Zach felt empty. What he wouldn't give to make a disturbance, to have the smallest impression on this world, something to let him believe he wasn't truly gone. His eyes landed on Chris's form in the bed. He was unchanged, except that he had scrunched his body over to Zach's side of the bed. There was still room enough for Zach to sit on the edge again, like he had earlier, though Zach was sure it wouldn't matter. Chris wouldn't feel his presence anyway.

Zach didn't care that he couldn't feel him, he let his hand reach forward to stroke Chris's face again. He saw it come into contact, but felt that empty sensation, that sensation of incorporealness. He bit his lip and let his hand linger. Chris did not look so worried, not as he had when he and Lily had come in earlier... Zach didn't even know how long ago that was. He hadn't thought to look at Chris's clock then. But now, the clock read 4:33 am. Was it even the same night? He sighed. He could stay here all night, just looking at Chris. Zach tried not to wonder what might happen if he stayed till sun-up, and instead just let his hand reach up and run through Chris's hair. The hairs didn't move as he touched them, but the gesture was good enough for Zach. He could pretend, at least for now. He still remembered the way that hair felt between his fingers. He could always pretend.

Before he knew it, the clock read 5:29 am. Zach furrowed his brow. It had felt like an instant for him. He had only just arrived. He glanced out the bedroom window. Still dark. Still time enough for Chris to dream. Zach stared at him ruefully, stared at Chris's closed eyes. Zach suddenly wanted nothing more than to see those radiant blue orbs staring into his. Instead, he sighed and ran his hand over Chris's forehead. 

"I don't have a dream to give you yet..." Zach whispered sadly. 

Chris shifted lightly in his sleep, shaking his head a little against the pillow. Zach let his hand linger until Chris suddenly jolted and his eyes opened. He was breathing heavily and staring straight up at where Zach was sitting. Zach pulled his hand away and froze. He could have sworn those eyes were staring right at him. But Chris merely shifted over to his back and clenched his eyes shut. Zach watched with dismay as they opened back up, wet with tears that were now trailing down his temples and staining the pillow below.  
"Zach..." Chris choked out brokenly, before rolling away from Zach and to his own side of the bed and curling into his pillow, clutching it tightly to his body. 

Zach stayed until the sun began to rise. As it crept over the horizon, Zach suddenly felt... light. He could feel himself blurring. The room got lighter, and he felt weary for the first time since arriving in this strange place. He stood from the bed. Chris had eventually fallen back asleep, but not before letting out a few quiet, choked breaths. Breaths that Zach knew were filled with anguish. Chris always hated to cry. The sun was almost completely up now, and Zach could feel the light; he felt as if it were penetrating him. He closed his eyes as the sunbeams began to dance over him, and when he opened them again, he was back in the blackness, away from the doors, but surrounded by the sounds of the sea. 

He hoped Lily would come to him soon. 

****

::


	4. Construction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Zach attempts to build.

Zach stood and listened to the sounds of the crashing waves around him. If he closed his eyes, he could pretend he was standing on a giant mountain, surrounded by water. Water that lapped and crashed at the base of the monolith, as if it wanted to swallow him whole. He already felt as if it had taken him under. He didn't think a sound could ever have so much power. He tried to look around, but it was still only blackness, no matter how hard he tried to make himself see into the distance. All he could clearly see were his bare feet below him, his toes deepening into the sand. The grains stuck in between them and Zach smiled sadly as he looked at them. Slowly, he eased himself into a squat and sat gingerly in the sand, crossing his legs beneath him. He leaned forward and scooped up a little bit of sand and held it in his palm. 

At first, he could really only stare at it. He just didn't understand. Did the sand have power? Did he have a power over it? Lily had called him a Sandman, like her; presumably that meant he could do relatively anything that she could do. He flexed and folded his palm, letting the sand move gently over the skin and creases of his hand. He felt a bit like a child, trying desperately to learn something simple that seemed impossible. He tried to remember the small things Lily had done earlier. She had scooped some sand into her hand and stored it in a bag. Blown it into Chris's eyes. There had to be more to it than that, though. Zach swore that the vagaries of this place might drive him mad. But as he stared, he wondered if it really could be a simple task, something he was overthinking. He bit his lip and tried to picture Chris in his mind. He imagined that beaming smile of his, that warm, happy laughter, and the little crinkles that he got around his cerulean blue eyes when he smiled so hard it hurt his face. As he thought, he focused on the sand and it began to shine a bright blue and it suddenly was warm to the touch. The onset was so sudden that Zach startled and dropped the handful, watching as the glow faded almost immediately. 

He swallowed thickly and carefully reached a hand forward to grab another fistful. Zach picked it up as delicately as he could, as if he were afraid it might come to life on its own. But as he held it, it only sat still in his palm. He breathed a deep sigh and tried to focus again. He thought of the first time he had ever met Chris, he thought about the first time he had ever kissed him. He thought about how Chris had smiled, how he had smiled such a radiant smile. Zach could feel the warmth building in his palm, and watched as the sands began to glow again. The longer he thought, the brighter the sand became, until finally, he could feel the life breathe into it. It tickled his skin, and he felt something building up deep inside himself, something he had never felt before. He was warm, like the sand in his palm, and his skin felt prickly all over. Keeping his thoughts as steady as he could, Zach kept his focus on the animate grains in the palm of his hand. Suddenly, the sands began to lift up out of his palm. They exuded such a bright blue glow; he watched in awe as they began to twirl and spiral above his palm. Zach let out an incredulous laugh as he watched, his mind never leaving the image of Chris's face. 

As the sands began to grow and stand high above his hand, Zach eased himself up with them to his feet. He could feel jolts of warmth traveling up and down his spine, radiating out into the tips of his fingers and toes. He felt truly real for the first time since he had arrived here. So he laughed, and he thought of their first day on set together, he thought about the bright gold captain's uniform that Chris had worn and the sands seemed to echo his thoughts seamlessly. The spiral shape the grains had gone into suddenly beamed gold and blue. It was rich and lively and astonishing. He could have stared at it forever, but a voice behind him broke the silence abruptly.

"I see you're having a bit of fun," Lily said. Zach startled at the sound, and the grains dropped almost immediately out of the air, their bright glow dying down just as quickly as it had appeared. Zach spun to look at her. 

"This is... it's..." He muttered sporadically, failing to find even one word that could properly describe what he had felt in those short moments. He felt like he had held the world, the whole universe right in the palm of his hand. 

"It usually takes people a bit longer to start playing around with construction. But you just dive right in, don't you?" 

"Always." Zach smiled at her. “Does it always feel like this?” 

She nodded with a grin, as she beckoned him towards her. "You wanna take a walk?" 

Zach strode towards her, brushing his hands on his pants. 

"Where, exactly, are we able to 'walk' here?" He questioned cautiously. 

"Pretty much anywhere you want to walk." She paused for a moment and turned to look at him. "Did you ever see Inception?" 

Zach stopped and cocked his head. 

"...Yes, the real question is, did you? I-I just can't imagine there are many multiplexes up here." 

"Ah… no, there aren't. Some of the uh... newer sandmen and women tell me it's an applicable analogy. I kind of just trust them on it. So... think about Inception." 

"What if they were all bullshitting you? What if I told you that Inception was actually just a movie about a bunch of people trying to figure out where to put the starting line of a marathon?” 

Lily turned her head dramatically to look at Zach. Her face had a look that seemed like it _wanted_ to tell Zach that he was full of shit, but that she wasn’t sure enough in her understanding of the movie to call him on his shit. 

“I’m kidding,” he said. “But yeah, it makes... an odd amount of sense. Okay. I imagine there are probably a lot fewer gun showdowns and trains here though, right?" Zach laughed at himself a bit, until he saw Lily staring back at him, head still cocked, her eyebrow raised. He chuckled again. It felt kind of nice to confuse her for once. Small victories. He shook his head. "Nevermind." 

They strolled together in silence through the darkness. Zach could just see Lily out of the corner of his eye, and he saw that every now and then she would turn her head a bit, as if to glance around them. Zach wondered what she could possibly be looking at here in this emptiness. She seemed to notice that his focus was directed at her and she turned her head to look at him as they walked. 

"Tell me, Sandman, what do you see when you look around?" 

"Here?" his eyes hesitantly glanced around. "I don't see anything. Just blackness, and the sand. I can hear things though." 

"What do you hear?" 

"Waves. It sounds like the ocean." 

Lily was silent, and she merely nodded and kept walking. 

"Why? What do you see?" Zach tossed back. 

"I see whatever I like to see. Right now, this landscape is vast and lush. It's green and full, and I can feel the life around me." 

"Life?" 

"This place is hard for people to grasp, Zach, which is understandable. One minute, you’re living your life, day to day, like you always do. Then all of a sudden, you’re incorporeal, separated from the only world you ever knew, and no longer bound by the limits of space or time. On top of that, you’re told suddenly that you have the power to control dreams. It’s difficult to wrap your mind around sometimes. And it’s hard to think of this place as a living realm. But it’s only as barren as we allow it to be. It’s hard to adjust to the idea that we are no longer on the same plane as our dreamers. But this place is not joyless or lifeless. Your own view of this realm will come with time. Personally, I like to be reminded of that life, that true soul that exists in what we do. We are just as big a part of our dreamers’ lives as they are part of ours. To me, this place is a rainforest. And there are birds and animals and sunlight and green, green earth. I can make this place pulse with life, enough so to remind me that our connection to the world is not entirely gone, that it will never truly be gone so long as a dreamer waits for us.” 

Zach didn’t say anything. How could one even think to reply to that? 

“So, Sandman. Close your eyes. Think of your dreamer. Then tell me what you see.” 

Zach inhaled deeply as he shut his eyes and let Chris’s image come into his head. He thought about Chris’s bad jokes, how he always wanted to tell them at the worst possible moments. He thought about the way Chris’s hair liked to flop across his forehead, like it was asking for Zach to push it back. He thought about Chris’s propensity for romance and fluff and about how they always laughed about it together. He thought about the last time they ever held hands. With a shaky exhale he opened his eyes back up.  
His eyes widened. The world was suddenly vibrant; it was blue and rich and felt alive. The edges of this new world he saw felt wavy, as if they were ready to conform to his every thought and vision. He could see the pulsating, clear blue water that they were standing knee-deep in, reflecting the light of the moon above them, could see the brightly colored fish glistening as they swam around his legs and feet. He let his toes dig into the wet, ocean floor sand below him. Lily stared at him as he glanced around. 

“Tell me what you see now.” She instructed. 

Zach’s eyes tilted upwards and watched as the stars above him began to movie and swirl, like Van Gogh’s Starry Night was suddenly coming to life in front of him. 

“The whole damn world.” He mumbled.

****

::

Zach learned quickly that _seeing_ the world around him wasn’t the difficult part anymore; the difficult part was making sure the vision stayed. If he focused, he could change his perception, he could see the realm as he wished to see it. The waters he waded in were crystalline blue, and he felt as if he were standing in the depths of Chris’s eyes. But the moment he let his focus slip, the bright, extravagant colors and vivid scenery around him would dissipate back into blackness. He tried not to dwell too much on it, assuring himself that it wasn’t a shortcoming, assuring himself that it would come with time. Maybe there would come a day when this world would truly feel alive to him, like it did for Lily. But sitting on the sand dunes amidst the emptiness, where he had _just_ seen the lapping, ocean waves, it was hard to stay positive.

He didn’t waste any time before diving right back into his construction. It was the easily one of the most exhilarating things he had ever done, and he reveled in the warmth and creation that seemed to spew straight from his hands and into the sand. 

He never could decide what exactly he wanted to be the first dream he gave Chris, and so, he collected them all, never wishing to have a shortage. He remembered their happiest days, when they would bask in the relative calm and peace of Chris’s warm backyard, and his sands would glow a vibrant and commanding gold. When he thought of kissing Chris, tongues touching and tangling, mouths hot together and frantic, his sands were red and flushed. And as much as Zach tried to forget them, sometimes his pains would inch their way into his swirling creations. Blood red sands would turn purple and blue when Zach remembered that he would never again feel Chris’s lips against his own. Zach hesitated at the thought of letting Chris dream of such a thing. It seemed unfair, unjust to make him remember the loss. But Zach couldn’t think of another way for Chris to understand, couldn’t think of a better way to explain himself, to try and tell Chris that he was missing him just as much. 

Before he knew it, he had bags lining his pockets. Small worlds and tiny galaxies that he carried with him, as he steadied himself to face what he had waited for and dreaded. With a deep breath, Zach’s eyes slipped shut and he felt a vastness overtake him before he settled back down. When he opened his eyes, he no longer stood amongst the shifting dunes, instead stood in that black, circular room, standing face to face with that bright red door. Merely a foot away, Zach was close enough to touch it, but he didn’t. Not at first. He wondered idly how much time had passed since he had last slipped his body through it. He supposed it didn’t matter much, as time was barely even a guideline here, let alone a rule. 

_“You will always be where you need to be, right when you need to be there,” Lily had told him assuredly. “There’s no punch clock here, sweetie.”_

Zach stared down at the doorknob, reaching his hand forward tentatively to grab ahold of it. With a deft twist, the door opened and he pushed it forward, staring into the emptiness of the foyer. The house was encased in nighttime darkness, just as before, but there was no moon that Zach could see through the windows this time. With a thick swallow, he slipped his hand into his pocket to grip the bag of sand he had stowed away, hoping it would ground him. It did nothing to ease his nerves as he eyed the stairs to his right. 

He ascended them slowly, trying his best to ignore the fact that none of the stairs made any noise for him at all. It would have been nice, he thought, if these steps could at least acknowledge his presence. It was all he wanted. But they wouldn’t, and Zach had to remind himself that dead people don’t have weight. His grip on the sands tightened as he reached the top stair and strode through Chris’s bedroom door. 

Chris lay flat on his back, sound asleep. His mouth hung open slightly, and Zach couldn’t help but notice the wet spot on the pillow that had once been his, or the tissues balled up on the night stand. Zach didn’t want to think about any of that. He strode towards the bed and sat on the edge gingerly, just as he had done the last time he had come, only this time, he was prepared. He ran a hand over Chris’s forehead, suddenly so angry that he could not push the hair up and out of Chris’s eyes. He was so angry that the warmth of Chris’s skin meant absolutely nothing to his new form. With a grit of his teeth, he removed his hand and dug into his pocket, wrenching free a bag that shone bright and gold in his hands. 

“I can’t do much, Chris,” he mumbled quietly, as his fingers dug into the pouch to grab the granules, “But this is better than nothing.” 

He rested the grains in his palm and leaned forward, blowing slightly and sending the sand flying and landing softly over Chris’s closed eyes. They settled almost immediately, the golden glow illuminating Chris’s face for a brief moment before disappearing. Chris moved his head and a small smile graced his lips as he rolled his head to the side. 

“I miss you.” Zach said to him, resting his hand against Chris’s forehead once more. He closed his eyes slowly and felt the visions stir in his mind as Chris dreamed. 

****

::


	5. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chris dreams.

_The sun shone brightly across the bright blue October sky. Chris, barefoot, his jeans rolled up his calves, and sleeves pulled to the elbows, held onto a Frisbee as Noah stared up at him with pleading eyes. Chris merely laughed and flung the Frisbee over the pooch’s head towards Zach. Bless him, Noah wouldn’t be stopped though, as he jumped and locked his jaws on the plastic just as it soared over him. Zach couldn’t help but laugh as Chris heaved another frustrated sigh._

_“You know, dog, Monkey in the Middle is no fun if the Monkey is always winning.” Chris said towards Noah as the pooch gripped the Frisbee tightly in his jaw. Chris tried to be sly, leaning forward subtly to try to snatch it away, but Noah merely hopped away and began to run a couple laps around the yard. With a shake of his head, Chris strode over to the lawn chairs, plopping down dramatically as he grabbed his beer from the table beside it. Zach joined him quickly, making sure to scoot his chair a little closer to Chris’s so he could reach his toes out and touch the other man’s._

_“I like this,” Zach said softly._

_“Yeah, me too. But you have to go soon, don’t you?”_

_Zach paused, biting his lip._

_“I don’t…_ have _to, I suppose.”_

_“But you’re going to… And you aren’t going to come back…” Chris replied listlessly. Zach snapped his head towards him._

_“Why do you have to say things like that?”_

_“You’re going to walk out that door and you aren’t coming back this time, are you?”_

_The sky above them had grown cloudy and dark within the instant, and a clap of thunder sounded above them. Chris’s features were sullen and pale, his smile replaced by a stoic, thin line, as he turned his head away from Zach._

****

::

Zach wrenched his hand away from Chris’s forehead, his eyes snapping open as he stood up from the bed. Chris jolted awake at almost the same instant, his chest heaving, his eyes wide and staring at the ceiling. Zach could only stand a few feet from the bed and stare, his whole body trembling.

That was _not_ the dream he built. The dream he built had been happy. They were laughing and playing. They fought over the last beer and wound up in a wrestling match on the grass to figure out who would get it. Chris’s shirt had been stained with green for weeks, but it had been worth it when they had kissed amidst the playful struggle and agreed to share the last beer.

That was not the dream he built. That was not how it was supposed to go. What had he done? 

He wanted to run, to leave that house right then. But he just couldn’t. He stood there, watching as Chris sat up slowly, his face morose and solemn again. Chris swung his legs over the side of the bed and stared, his eyes focused directly on where Zach was standing. There was a moment when Zach was sure Chris was looking at him, those blue eyes locked with his own. He let his mouth fall open, not daring to move, but could only watch as Chris shook his head. The blonde’s eyes diverted away from Zach’s spot to stare at the ground, as he hunched over and threaded his fingers through his hair. Chris heaved a sigh and hung his head further down. Zach couldn’t stay here any longer. He backed up slowly, trying to close his eyes and will himself away. The sensation overtook him, and before he knew it, he was back in the abyss, standing outside that red door. 

His hands trembled. 

What had he done? 

The first dream Zach gives to Chris, and he gives him _that_? 

He couldn’t stand the sight of that door any more, he had to go. Without another thought, he turned and ran into the darkness. With all his might, he pushed himself away from that door, until he felt the ground change beneath him, from solid floor to flimsy sands that gave out under the pressure of his feet. He stumbled forward and barely caught himself on his hands. Zach stayed there, on all fours, fingers dug into the sand as he grit his teeth and closed his eyes. He tried to imagine the ground swallowing him whole, he tried to imagine the ocean waves taking him under, dragging him deep, dragging him down away from this wretched place. But the ocean didn’t come. He pushed up off his hands to his knees, leaning back on his heels and staring into the blackness around him. He hated this place. Anger overcame him, he dug his hands deep into the sand, grabbing handfuls and throwing them as hard as he frantically could before his body pushed a painful scream from his lungs. 

He didn’t deserve this. Chris didn’t deserve this. 

Zach screamed until he couldn’t anymore. He yelled until the air in his lungs ran out, until his throat burned, until his eyes blurred over with tears that he couldn’t have stopped even if he’d wanted to. With heaving breaths, he hung his head, letting out small broken sobs. He didn’t even flinch when he felt a soft hand grip his shoulder. 

“I’m guessing… it didn’t go how you planned.” Lily murmured quietly, as she sat beside him slowly. But she received only silence in response. 

“It’s okay… It’s normal, I promise. The first time is never easy.” She tried again.

“Quit… Just quit, okay?” Zach forced through clenched teeth. “Quit telling me that things are normal. This isn’t normal. This will never be normal. Quit telling me I will get used to it.” 

She gave him a pained expression.

“But you will… You will get used to it. It’s never easy, Zach. It never isn’t painful. I know. I have been in your shoes. It’s never not painful. But you will get used to it. We all do. And I know it isn’t fair. I know you didn’t ask for this. I know you didn’t want to leave him. But it is what it is. And there isn’t much more we can do about it. All we can do is carry on.” 

“I don’t want to.” 

“But you can. I promise, you can. And he needs you to. Just… try again. It will get easier. It will get better. One night, you’ll feel it. You’ll give him a wonderful dream, the best dream you’d made for him yet. You’ll see him smile again. And it will be worth it. I promise.”

Leaning on his heels, Zach tilted his gaze upwards, hoping that there would be something above him. But it was empty. There were no stars this time, no beautiful brushstrokes of a personally painted world, no mountains surrounding by frothing blue ocean waves. Just a blackness that bore down upon him. 

****

::

Zach didn’t know how long he sat there. Lily had long since faded away. She had sat with him in silence for god knows how long, before patting his shoulder and disappearing without another word. He didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to build. He didn’t want to find that goddamn red door. He didn’t want to try again. But the bags of sand in his pockets became heavier and heavier the longer he sat there. It felt like days had gone by. Who knows how much time had really passed. Zach could have gladly sat there, burying himself steadily with the weight of the sands in his pockets, for centuries. But he couldn’t. No matter how long he sat, how idle he became, he would always go back, if only so he could lay his eyes on Chris’s beautiful face once more.

He would try again. Not for Lily, not for himself. But for Chris. Only for Chris, he would try again. Because amidst all the heartache and all the pain, Chris deserved a good dream, at the goddamn least. 

Sliding a hand into his pocket, he slipped out a bag that glowed bright red to his touch. He knew this dream. Zach gripped it tightly his hand and closed his eyes, feeling its warmth spread back through him, the sands seeping out of the top of the pouch slowly to curl and dance around his arm. With a steady breath, he opened his eyes again, watching as the sands unraveled from around his forearm and retreated slowly back into their bag. He would try again. He took a large breath in and closed his eyes again, willing himself away from his dunes and to Chris’s door. This time, he didn’t even hesitate before entering and ascending the stairs and moving into the bedroom. 

Chris looked beautiful. He was serene, almost. Less pale, less anguished. Zach smiled at him before blowing a small handful of the bright red grains across his eyes. Chris nuzzled his head into the pillow deeply as they settled over him, his mouth going slack slightly, and a small groan slipping past his lips. Zach hesitated for a moment before he touched him. He knew he shouldn't.... Would it be too much to see this again? He remembered every detail of what he had created, of the memory he had ingrained into those sands, but he wanted to see it. Wanted to see it through Chris’s eyes. He rested his hand lightly against Chris’s cheek, stroking the skin softly, before letting his eyes slipped closed. 

_The room was dark, barely lit by the moonlight shining through the window. Chris’s hands were all over his body, grabbing and grappling at his flesh in desperate, needy attempts to get them closer together. Chris surged against him, backing him into the bedroom door as he pushed their lips together urgently, tongues touching, breaths heaving. He loved this side of Chris. So wild, so desperate, so frantically searching for more, more, more of Zach._

_With a quick lurch, Zach slid his hands into Chris’s hair and gripped on tightly, spinning them so he could pin Chris back against the door. He pulled his lips away from Chris’s, letting his mouth latch onto the other man’s throat, nipping and biting and sucking over the tenderest spots, the spots he knew would make Chris melt into his palms. As his facial hair dragged across Chris’s flesh, he felt the other man’s knees go weak, and his grip around Zach’s back tightened as he ground his pelvis forward into Zach’s._

_Zach hissed quietly, pressing back against Chris’s clothed bulge. With a small, frustrated gruff, Chris roughly moved his hands to Zach’s jeans, fumbling frantically with the buttons and shoving them down off his hips before immediately pulling off his own. Clad now in only their boxers, Chris began to press against Zach, attempting to guide him backwards towards their bed, all while trying not to topple the two of them over their own pants on the floor. Zach let his mouth return to Chris’s lips again, his tongue immediately plunging forward and touching Chris’s slowly and deeply. His hand cradled Chris’s jaw as he turned them slowly and lowered Chris back to the bed, settling himself between the blond’s legs. Zach planted his palms on either side of Chris’s head, pulling his mouth away from Chris’s by only an inch. Their breaths mingled and mixed together, and their eyes opened, heavy-lidded and lusty as they stared at each other. Zach steadily rolled his hips, making sure to grind their erections, still confined by underwear, together. Chris’s head pressed back into the pillows at the sensation, his fingers digging into Zach’s shoulder blade and the small of his back, urging him onward._

_Zach pushed himself up quickly so he could shed his underwear, grabbing a hold of Chris’s in the process, leaving the two of them naked, hard, and desperate. He leaned forward again, resting his elbows on either side of Chris’s head as he lowered his mouth to Chris’s ear. He rolled his hips again, rubbing their naked cocks together._

_“God… Zach…” Chris whimpered, his mouth falling open. Zach leaned forward as he ground forward again, his lips brushing against Chris’s ear._

_“Tell me, baby.”_

_“Zach… God… I miss you.”_

_Zach paused at this comment and pulled his head up, his eyes locking with Chris’s. Chris’s cheeks were wet, his bright blue eyes trained on Zach’s dark ones. Zach’s brow furrowed and he breathed out slowly._

_“I miss you so fucking much.”_

_Zach didn’t know what to say. He leaned his down again, capturing Chris’s lips again in a tender kiss, before mumbling._

_“Just breathe.”_

_Chris nodded, and suddenly, the weight of the ocean’s swells came down upon them. Zach watched as Chris’s head fell back and the water overtook them both, seeping slowly into his lungs. But Chris’s eyes stayed fixated on Zach, breathing the water deep into his chest calmly as he grappled at Zach’s naked form atop of him. Zach could feel them being pulled down and down and down, down deep where the mountains had sunk eons before, and where the stars had already faded from view. They kissed amidst the sea as it dragged them downward, their bodies never coming apart, still grinding against each other, mouths and tongues tangled, breathing salt and water between their lips._

_“I’m here…” Zach said clearly. “I’m here.”_

****

::


	6. Chapter 6

As Zach slowly pulled his hand away from Chris’s face, he felt relief this time when Chris did not wake up with grief etched in every line of his face. He didn’t wake at all this time. Instead, he slept soundly and peacefully. Zach sat and stared for a moment, swallowing thickly as he thought about what he’d just seen. That wasn’t how that dream was supposed to go either… Had he done that? Had he changed it as Chris dreamt it? Was that something he could even do? Zach didn’t know anymore. He simply sat and tried to stop the quiver in his hands.

He watched as Chris smiled again in his sleep, curling into himself cozily. It had been a long time since Zach had seen him look this relaxed. As he sat at Chris’s bedside, absentmindedly stroking his hair, trying to ignore the way his fingers trembled, he thought about Lily’s words. 

It never won’t be painful. But it will become less painful. Chris will be happy again. Chris will smile again, and sleep soundly again. And Zach would keep him going for as long as he could. He wondered if Chris would love another, like Lily had mentioned. He wondered if he possessed the ability to stay and witness it. Zach wasn’t sure. But for now… maybe this would be okay. If this was the only connection the universe would allow him to have with Chris, he would take it. It was more than he had expected… 

****

::

Zach continued this way for… well, he wasn’t really sure how long to be honest. He had lost track of the nights, had lost track of the number of dreams he’d created. He’d say he lost track of time, but that would have been silly. Lily had been right though. The more he built, the more comfortable he became, creating memories and vivid scenery. Creating worlds in which he and Chris could still exist together, no matter the distance that existed between them now. The pain never fully went away, though. Each time he built, a small, aching part of him crept into his sands. That stinging twinge he felt in his heart every time he remembered the life he’d had with Chris, every time he remembered the life they had planned to have together. Each time he built, he let a piece of it pull out from within him to mingle with his newest creations. He wondered if Chris ever felt its presence. He wondered if Chris ever had any idea where his dreams came from these days.

Zach still hadn’t gotten any better at not lingering for long. Numerous nights, he would arrive and sprinkle his sands, with every intention to leave and let Chris dream in peace. But when it came right down to it, when he saw Chris’s face each night, hair mussed up, face smushed into his pillow, Zach just couldn’t make himself turn and leave. Each night he sat beside Chris, touching his forehead as he dreamt, and he allowed himself to become a part of Chris’s dreams again. It felt so real to him; he could hear and feel Chris’s words rattling within him every time he spoke out in his dreams. He could feel Chris’s joy, could feel his pain, could feel the way Chris grabbed Zach’s body and pleaded with him to come home. To please god, just _come home_. Zach tried to stay away. But he just couldn’t. This man was a part of him, and Zach would stay each night until the sun rose and his form dissipated in the sunbeams. He would stay, he would dream with Chris as much as was physically possible. 

There were nights still when Chris would waken, would jolt his eyes open, torn from his slumber, his mind racing at the memories of his dreams. There were nights when Chris wouldn’t sleep at all, his eyes merely scanning the room as his thoughts plagued him. Those nights, Zach would simply wait, standing in the darkness beside the bed, or sitting at the foot, waiting for Chris to find some rest. There were nights when he was almost convinced Chris could see him. But he knew it was ridiculous; wishful thinking of a lost soul desperate to rejoin the world he had so suddenly left behind. 

Although… Zach still found it rather odd whenever he found Chris awake. After all, Lily _had_ told him that the dreamer would _always_ be sleeping when they came. Zach considered asking her about it, but decided this was one of those things best left untouched. He wasn’t going to complain about being able to see Chris’s bright cerulean eyes open and alert, rather than shut and sleeping. 

****

::

One night, some uncatalogued night after Zach’s death, Zach slipped into Chris’s house through the bright red door, his glowing golden bag of sand itching in his palm, ready to be used. Tonight would be a good dream, Zach knew that much. He ascended the stairs, as he always did, and pushed the door to Chris’s bedroom open.

Zach almost dropped the bag when the door creaked with his motions.

….It had never creaked for him. Not while he was here, it hadn’t…. 

Zach stood in the doorway of the bedroom, trying to regain his composure and staring at the bed in front of him, where Chris lay on his back, his arm thrown up over his head. Zach brought his hand to his chest, and closed his eyes, trying to force himself to relax. He would worry about this later. When he opened his eyes again, Chris’s head had turned to face the door now, his gaze meeting Zach’s intently. His arm still rested above his head, but his blue eyes were wide open and staring directly at the open doorway. Zach froze instantly, watching and waiting as Chris continued to look at the exact spot he was standing.

“Zach…” Chris whispered breathlessly, his eyes never leaving the doorway. Zach opened his mouth, but couldn’t say anything, couldn’t find any words. His mouth had gone suddenly dry, his throat had closed up. His grip around the bag of sand tightened roughly, to the point where the sands had begun to crawl out and wrap around his forearm, trying to escape the vice-like grip. He stared back at Chris.

“I fucking miss you…” Chris whimpered brokenly, a tear leaking out of the corner of his eye. “It isn’t fair. I fucking _feel_ you…” he cried out, his eyes shedding full blown tears at that point. 

Zach’s chest began to tighten, and his head began to ache. He felt afraid to blink, afraid to break the stare he seemed to share with Chris. But as the panic began to grow inside him, his grip on his sands loosened, the coils unravelling from around his arm, and the bag falling to the floor. This couldn’t be, he couldn’t be… Couldn’t _possibly_ be… 

“Chris…” Zach breathed out before closing his eyes and clenching them shut. 

The last thing he heard was Chris saying his name again, before he was back at his dunes, the ocean waves threatening to spill over them and overtake him. He fell to his knees and threaded his hands through his hair, leaning forward into the sands as he tried his best to stop shaking. 

“It’s okay… It’s okay… It’s gunna be fine…” He hissed to himself desperately. 

****

::


	7. Magnitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lily is growing concerned.

There was a time when Zach wanted nothing more than to just sit on his dunes and stare up at the swirling skies above him. Sometimes, he liked to make the waves come and swallow him down, blurring out the colorful blue sky and golden stars above him. He liked to let this world terraform around him, mountains peaking beneath the ocean tides, sands swirling above and below, grabbing ahold of him and dragging him down, down, down, until the star's light no longer shone through the surface of the water. He liked to try to forget where he was or what he had done. 

He couldn’t go back… Would he truly be able to face Chris again? Hell, Zach wasn’t even entirely sure that what he had witnessed had actually happened, or if he had simply finally gone mad in this beautiful hell-hole of an afterlife. But despite the anxiety that bubbled up in his throat any time he thought about returning to Chris’s beckoning door, he knew he couldn’t stop. He would have to go back, and simply pray that he didn’t fuck things up again. 

Zach wasn’t sure what to expect the next time he appeared at Chris’s doorway. And he honestly couldn’t tell you how long he simply stood at it, his forehead rested against the red door, shoulders slumped, and body deflated. But he had to go in and he knew as much. But surprisingly, the next three times Zach went to Chris, nothing happened at all. Zach entered the house, he sprinkled his sands over Chris’s sleeping eyes, and left, no matter how much his mind was begging him to stay. But each and every time, he couldn’t help but notice the way the stairs groaned beneath him and the way the bedroom door creaked as he pushed it open. 

****

::

Zach sat atop a mountain, his arms resting on his slightly bent knees as he stared down at the waters sloshing and rising below him. They would be up to his feet any moment now. He extended his legs, letting his toes reach out and touch the rapidly rising, foaming tides. He glanced around him, noting the sand resting over the rocky surface of the peak. He scooped a little up and toyed with it for a while, running his fingers through it, pouring it from hand to hand. Zach balled a handful up in one of his fists and pressed his mouth against the crease of the thumb and index finger, closing his eyes slowly before exhaling a large puff of air. The sands jettisoned out the other side of his fist in a cloud, emitting a bright and vibrant emerald green before they began to swirl together and lace their way through and around Zach’s fingers. He smiled softly, tiddling with the grains for a few more moments before letting them settle into his bag.

The waters were up to his chest now, but his body wasn’t wet at all. As they continued to rise and engulf his shoulders, and then his head, Zach made a point to lay back, his body still rooted against the mountaintop. He gazed up through the surface of the water to the skies above. The skies shone brightly with large swirls of painted stars and galaxies. Chris would have loved this place, he mused to himself, the smile fading from his lips. 

After another moment, a feminine voice broke the reverie. The waters drained almost instantly away, the sky reverting back to its usual black, and his mountain shifting downward rapidly and changing into a sand dune. 

“Zach?” Lily asked. 

“Mmm.” Was the most that Zach could reply with. 

“What are you doing?” 

Zach scooped up a handful of sand and tossed it like it was confetti over Lily’s head. As it fell, it made a point to avoid her body, as if she were covered with an invisible umbrella. She didn't smile.

“I’m building. What else do I do here?” 

“We need to talk.” She said flatly. 

“About what, exactly?” 

“About Chris. I’m… I’m growing… concerned, frankly.” 

“Concerned? What do you even have to be concerned about here?” 

“You aren’t letting him grieve, Zach… You aren’t letting him mourn and move on.” 

Zach was quiet for a moment, his lips pressing into a hard line as he turned his head away from her quickly and focused on the sands in front of him. He drug his finger through them, doodling out small moons and stars in the granules. 

“You told me to build dreams, so I built dreams. You told me to use memories, so I used memories.” 

“Memories are fine. Sometimes. But not for every dream, Zach.” 

“Well, newsflash, not every dream I build is a memory.” 

“This is about more than just the memories, Zach. You know that as well as I do.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Zach replied curtly, his eyes still trained on the sands in front of him. A few began to vibrate and swirl. Lily stood in silence for another beat before she spoke again.

“He noticed you, didn’t he?” 

Zach wasn’t sure how to respond. Her tone wasn’t angry, or even directly accusatory. But the way she had said it, that questioning tone on the end, as if she were hoping he might deny it. But he wouldn’t. Couldn’t. He simply wouldn’t say anything at all. 

“Zach.” She said again, more firmly this time.

“I don’t know what happened.” He finally replied lowly. 

“You _have_ to stop this, Zach. I don’t care what your next dream is for him, but it can’t be you. Put him on a flying rainbow unicorn in space for all I care, but it cannot be you.” 

“And why the fuck not?” He snapped suddenly, standing up in a huff and turning around quickly to face her. “There isn’t a goddamn rule book here. There isn’t even a goddamn guide book. So why the fuck not?” 

“Because it isn’t fair to him.” She asserted sternly. Zach didn’t say anything, his brow furrowed as she continued. “He will lose his mind, Zach, and I don’t mean that figuratively either. Do you truly feel that you could have coped with something of this magnitude while you were still alive? Do you truly feel he could possibly understand any of this without some sort of mental breakdown?” 

“I’m doing my goddamn best! Hell, I’m not even alive and I barely understand anything about this place. But I love making these for him… And when he dreams the dreams I made… there’s a connection there that I thought had _died_ with me.” 

Lily merely stared at him. Her dark brown eyes were unwavering, her mouth taut. It was silent between them now, their eyes locked, and Zach could see a firmness in hers that he had not seen from her before. 

“You have to stop.” Was all she said, before fading away into the blackness.

Zach merely stared at the empty space where she had stood, his mouth slack and breathing hard. There was a moment, as his eyes unfocused a bit, that he wondered if he even had to breathe here, or if it was just a reflexive action, a means of calming him and tying him a little more to the world he had left. With a sharp inhale, he closed his eyes as the ocean waves spilled violently over the tops of his sand dunes and swallowed him down. 

If Zach could have, he would have willed himself to disappear into the sea, his body disintegrating and becoming the foam at the tips of the waves. But instead, his body stayed, feet planted on what was now the ocean floor. He clenched his eyes shut and opened his mouth, screaming out, muffled, into the water. 

To hell with Lily… 

****

::


	8. Desperation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chris cannot let go.

The sands felt heavy in his pockets as he trudged along the ocean floor, the water steadily draining away from around him as he climbed up along the quickly reforming dunes. His bare feet dug into the sands determinedly until the floor beneath him solidified and he stood outside of Chris’s door again. 

As he stared at the shiny golden numbers on the doorframe, he slipped his hand into his pocket, feeling absently at the small pouch of sand in it. At this point, the sand felt familiar to him, and the feel of it was calming, reminding him of why exactly he was here. Reminding him that no matter how horrible this situation felt, he always had the faintest of links to Chris. 

Curling the bag against his fingers a little more, he closed his eyes and let the feeling of it course through him. These sands were a golden-red, and the warmth radiated through his fingers as he envisioned the scene that he had created for Chris. He could practically feel the touch of Chris’s mouth to his, the scorching sensation as Chris caressed his sides, the desperate, pleading sounds Chris made when Zach touched him gently; kissed him here, licked him there. 

The emotion flooded his body, more powerfully than even when had first built this dream. He swallowed the thick lump that had grown in this throat, telling himself to calm down. This would all be okay, he told himself. This wasn’t flying unicorns in space, but it would have to do. It was a remembrance, a not-so-distant reverie that Zach couldn’t bear to forget. He clenched his teeth together with a quick inhale as he turned the knob and strode through the doorway. 

_To hell with Lily._ He told himself again. 

Zach ignored the squeak from the door as it opened, ignored the creaking that came from the stairs as he ascended them. Perhaps, if he didn’t think about that, pretended they didn’t exist, perhaps they would stop. He could pretend, at least for the moment, that everything was fine. Just fine. 

Halfway up the flight of stairs to Chris’s room, Zach paused as his ears heard the unmistakable sound of talking. His brow furrowed but he didn’t dare go any further, cocking his head to the side a bit to hear the conversation better. 

It was clearly two separate voices; one of which was distinguishably Chris’s, another which was… very familiar. It had an accent. Curiosity peaked, and he strode up the stairs completely, now standing on the outside of the bedroom door, listening.

_”You can’t keep on like this, Chris…”_

Zach definitely knew that voice. That Kiwi accent, that confident way he spoke. It had to be Karl. Panic flooded through Zach for an instant. He had come to at least somewhat expect the possibility that Chris could be awake when Zach came to him, but hearing someone else here was drastically jarring. It wasn't right. It shouldn’t happen like this… Zach stared down at the door handle, his hand reaching out to grasp it seemingly of its own accord. 

What would happen, he wondered… What might happen if he were to open that door and enter the room with the two of them wide awake and conversing? Would they see it open on its own, not seeing Zach as he entered? Or would it open and reveal his form, standing in the dark hallway, staring in at them? Or would it simply let him pass through, not even opening on the dimensional plane on which Chris and Karl existed. 

_”You just don’t understand…”_ Zach heard Chris whisper softly. 

Fuck it, Zach thought to himself, his hand gripping the doorknob with more vigor and twisting it. It opened without incident, as he stood at the threshold, his eyes trained on the figures in the room in front of him. Chris was sat on the edge of the bed as Karl stood over him, a look of sheer concern and unease on his face. Neither of them looked Zach’s way as he entered the room, and he would have been lying if he said he hadn’t hoped, even just a little bit, that one of them might acknowledged his presence. But they didn’t. 

“It’s just…I can’t shake this… this feeling… that he’s still there.” Chris said again, his eyes glued to the floor. 

With a small sigh, Zach stepped forward through the threshold, closing the door behind him with a noticeable creak and click. 

Karl did nothing at the sound. 

But Chris’s eyes darted immediately to the door with a quick inhale of breath, his eyes widening a bit, a sheer, hopeful desperation etched into his features. Zach froze as Karl noticed Chris’s stare, the Kiwi craning his head around to stare at the doorway. 

“What?” Karl asked, turning his head back to Chris. 

Chris didn’t respond for a moment, his eyes staying fixed on the door of his bedroom. 

“Dude, what?” Karl asked again, frustration lacing his voice lightly. 

Chris shook his head, eyes immediately diverting away from Zach and the doorway. 

“N-nothing…” He mumbled. “Just... Thought I heard something…” 

“Look at me, man…” Karl said sternly. “You cannot keep going like this… We… We’re scared for you, Chris… All of us…” 

“I’m fine.” Chris said again, his voice flat and off. 

“You are not _fine_ , Chris. This is not fine. You barely leave your house anymore…” 

Zach couldn’t help but wince at the broken tone of Karl’s voice. This tone wasn’t placating, it wasn’t a tone of ‘I Know Best’. It was pleading. It was desperate. It was the tone of a man who was deeply afraid… He was afraid for Chris. 

The guilt panged deeply in Zach’s gut. He hung his head, Lily’s words suddenly ringing painfully in his ears. 

_”Do you truly feel he could possibly understand any of this without some sort of mental breakdown?”_

_You’re breaking him…_ he thought to himself, his fingers reaching into his pocket to grab the sands. _You’re hurting him…_

“No…” Chris said suddenly. Zach raised his gaze again to focus on Chris. Those beautiful blue eyes were trained on the exact spot in front of the door that Zach was standing. If Zach had had a beating heart, it would have said it faltered in the intensity of Chris’s stare. But he didn’t have a beating heart, except for the one he pretended still lived within his chest. And that heart couldn’t falter, because Chris wasn’t looking at him. Zach closed his eyes. He couldn’t. He couldn’t. 

Zach only opened his eyes when he heard the sound of a metallic object sliding across wood. Karl was holding the picture of Zach and Chris in his hand, pointing at Zach’s happy, smiling face. 

“Look at me, Chris. Zach is dead. And he isn’t coming back.” 

Chris didn’t look at him, his brow growing firm as he spoke slowly and deliberately. 

“Get out…” 

“Chris please, just _listen_ to me…” Karl pleaded. But Chris wouldn’t hear it. 

“I said get out.” 

“Chris-“ 

“GET OUT!” 

Karl startled at the shout, standing up fully and swallowing thickly. He pursed his lips tightly before shaking his head sadly and turning to leave. Zach couldn’t help the way he stood aside, moving out of Karl’s path as he strode quickly towards the bedroom door, not wanting to find out what might happen if Karl were to pass through the space that Zach's form occupied. The door shut quietly, and the second the latch clicked, Chris let out a painful cry, burying his head in his hands. He grabbed the framed picture of the two of them, discarded on the bed by Karl, and shouted, hurling it against the wall towards Zach. Zach tried not to wince as the glass shattered. 

Chris lay back onto the bed and cried. Zach didn’t know how long he cried. It felt like centuries to him, eons-worth of ache pouring from Chris’s lips. He stood in the corner of the room, touching the bags of sand in his pocket worriedly, suddenly regretting every decision he ever made in his life. 

If he just had done his job here like he was supposed to; if he hadn’t had to keep things so personal, if he hadn’t had to be involved, Chris wouldn’t be lying there, mentally tortured and filled with agony, believing still that he could find Zach. 

If he hadn’t fucking slammed the door that night, if he hadn’t gotten into his car angry. He wouldn’t even _have_ to be here, listening to Chris’s cries. Listening to the pain that he had caused – that _only_ he had caused. 

Zach hung his head, bending his knees to squat down, threading his fingers through his hair and tugging hard. 

If he had never fucking met Chris, maybe they would have both been happier. 

“No.” Chris’s voice rang out suddenly in the room. It was broken, yet firm, the determination overpowering the quiver that threatened to break through his voice. Zach snapped his head up at the sound. 

The blonde sat up quickly in bed, and Zach could have sworn for what felt like the millionth time that evening that Chris’s eyes were trained right on him. But instead, the blonde stood up and stood in the middle of the room, looking all around him, mumbling out loud. 

“No, fucking no!” He shouted. “Fucking show yourself, just fucking once! I know you’re fucking here. I know you’re here, asshole!” He yelled out, his voice cracking as the tears began to flow again, fingers threading through his hair desperately as he spun and looked around the room, eyes wild and desperate. 

Chris turned to his bed, beginning to throw off the pillows, yanking off the covers, tossing them to the floor, all the while the tears streamed down his red-blotched cheeks. 

“I can fucking feel you!” He shouted, fingers clutched around Zach’s pillow before throwing it atop the messy pile of bedding at his feet.

He choked out a sob, sliding to the floor in the mess of comforters, sheets, and pillows, clutching them up to himself, as if they might provide some clue, some comfort to him. 

“Please… God, please… Zach.” 

Chris pulled his knees up to his chest, burying his face into them roughly, curling into his body like a child. Zach knew it was pointless, but he strode forward quickly, dropping the bag of sand he had been cradling delicately in his hands as he moved. He fell to his knees in front of Chris, and with a desperation he could barely contain, he grabbed ahold of the other man’s shoulders and with a small shake, he shouted. 

“I’m here!”

Chris’s cries stopped immediately, eyes staring at the hand that gripped his shoulder. Chris’s mouth was slack, and he raised his head slowly. It was at the steady lift of Chris’s gaze that Zach wrenched his hands off of the blonde’s arms. They were wide and gawking, his breath coming out in short, desperate pants as he stared. 

“Zach?” Chris mumbled, raising a hand up tentatively towards Zach’s face. 

Zach reared away before Chris’s fingers could come close enough to touch him. He pulled his hands in to himself quickly, fumbling away from the blonde in a flurry of confusion and fear. He fell back on his rear, his hands and arms suddenly wrapped up in the sheets and blankets lying on the floor as he tried to brace himself. Zach could _feel_ them, he could actually feel the way the sheets tangled around his fingers, could feel the way the blankets restricted his movements. Zach looked down at the sheets that had pooled around his form suddenly, his brain refusing to comprehend what exactly was happening. With a quick glance up, he saw Chris’s eyes were still fixated on him.

It fucking couldn’t be, he thought to himself. This wasn’t possible. He had wanted this – had wanted this so fucking badly, had so desperately wanted Chris to see him. But now that it was happening, Zach was lost. Lily’s words were echoing in his brain – he would drive Chris mad. He would drive Chris insane. What the fuck had he done? Had he really been so selfish? He was an idiot, a fucking selfish moron. And now here he was, staring Chris in the face and wondering what in the hell he was supposed to do now. Because no matter how badly he wished to be a part of Chris’s life, he had never, _ever_ wanted it to be at the expense of Chris’s sanity or well-being. 

Chris pushed away from the wall, blue eyes still wide and focused on Zach’s form edging away from him slowly. He crawled steadily towards the dark haired man, but Zach shook his head silently, pushing himself back further, tangling himself more in the bedding in a desperate attempt to remove himself from the mess that _he_ had caused. 

He wished he could just close his eyes and let the waters drag him under. If he had just left when he first heard Karl and Chris talking, if he had just fucking left like he was supposed to. If he had just gone back to the dunes the minute he had heard those voices, this wouldn’t have happened. Chris couldn’t see him. Zach could _not_ be responsible for Chris losing himself. 

Lily had been right. She had always been right. 

“Zach?” Chris whispered again, edging his way closer to Zach’s trembling form. 

He didn’t respond except with a slow, disbelieving shake of his head, his eyes wet as he stared back at Chris’s astonished ones. 

“I… I’m sorry…” Zach whispered before closing his eyes and thinking of nothing, nothing but his empty dunes, surrounded by darkness and depths. He breathed slowly, willing himself out of this place. 

A profound sensation of falling overtook him in the darkness behind his eyes. He faintly heard Chris’s pained shouts of “No!” echoing through his chest, his spine, his skull as he disappeared from the room and fell, thudding roughly onto the unforgiving sand dunes. He lay there for a moment, not bothering to open his eyes, instead curling his body up further into the sands as he tried _desperately_ to forget. 

****

::


	9. You Two Were Never Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chris holds a familiar item.

Zach tried to forget. He tried to build again. He had no idea how long he had been here, his hands digging absently in the sands around him. Zach was doing his best to inspire them, but they hardly seemed to want to respond to him. Their glows were faint in his grip, their colors present but drab and apathetic as he did his best to arouse them. These were not the swirling wonders he had come to create, these were not the passionate constructions he wanted them to be. He sighed and tossed them down hard, watching as their faint colors faded almost instantaneously. He didn’t deserve this, he thought to himself. He’d never asked for this. 

Lily’s voice was hard and unyielding behind him.

“What in the hell did you think you were doing?” She demanded. Her voice was firm and commanding, but never loud. 

But Zach just couldn’t answer her. 

“I _told_ you, Zach. I told you that you had to stop.” 

“Well fucking sue me, okay?! Erase me from existence, banish me to Hell, I don’t care anymore!” He shouted suddenly, all his bitterness pouring from him in an outburst of frustration and confusion. “I didn’t fucking ask for this!” 

“Don’t talk to me like _any_ of us asked for this, Zachary.” Lily replied flatly, but Zach couldn’t help but hear the pain that laced her voice. “None of us wanted this. But we do it anyway, because we must.” 

“All I wanted was to be with him.” 

“I know. It’s all any of us ever wanted. But it can’t be.”

Zach merely stared at her, body quivering as his fists clenched. 

“You were careless. You were selfish. And I hate it for you, because I _know_ this isn’t fair. I _know_ this isn’t easy, Zach. But it isn’t about _us_.” 

Zach’s fists unclenched slowly, nails releasing their piercing pressure from the inside of his palm, as his gaze lowered. With his shoulders slumped, he closed his eyes. 

“I will be taking over for you for the time being.” 

That got Zach’s attention, his eyes glancing up quickly to try to read her face. She was calm and sure of herself, as she always was, but Zach could see the frustration in her brow, could see the disappointment in the lines around her mouth. 

“What am I supposed to do then?” he asked frantically. 

“Nothing. You are to do nothing… You can’t do any more damage that way… I’m sorry, Zach…” was all she said, sympathy and ache panging her voice, before fading away, leaving Zach to stare hopelessly at the empty space where she had stood. 

****

::

Zachary Quinto died on a Tuesday evening, a little past 9:30. But he felt like he died all over again at some uncatalogued hour in the middle of oblivion. While Chris Pine sat at home, thinking about the life the two of them had once had together.

Zach didn’t move from the dunes for god knows how long, his body collapsed against the sand as the ocean swells swallowed him down, down, down. He willed himself to try to breathe the salt, knowing that the ocean filling his lungs wouldn’t change a damn thing about his situation. But he couldn’t deny that the thought of drowning was comforting, it was soothing to imagine the waters in which he seemed to reside erasing him entirely from this hell of an existence. But it didn’t matter, none of it did. The salt he breathed while underneath did nothing but remind him of how now he could only dream of disappearing. 

But if he was honest, he wanted so desperately to feel sorry for himself. He wanted to tell himself this wasn’t fair, he wanted to curse the fact that this had been asked of him. But ultimately, all he could truly think about was how much he had failed Chris. He had failed him that night they had fought so badly that Zach had actually stormed out of his house for the first time in their relationship. He had failed Chris when he had driven too fast with tears blurring his vision. He had failed him when he hadn’t been able to tell Chris he loved him one last time before he died. And now, his only responsibility was to ensure that Chris could sleep and dream easily, his only job was to ease just one _iota_ of the pain Chris felt when waking. And all he had done instead was increase the suffering, all he had done was ensure that Chris would never find rest, never find peace, not even in his sleep. 

Zach wanted to feel sorry for himself, because, no, he had never asked for this. But neither had Chris. At the end of the day, he was angry at himself. He was angry at the way he had ruined this chance to bring Chris peace and happiness. He was angry that Chris – beautiful, innocent, and gentle Chris – had to suffer at all. 

Lily was right. The further away he stayed, the less damage he could do. 

And he would stay here, locked in the sands on the ocean floor until the very last glimmer of his soul rotted away. 

At least… that’s what he told himself. 

In reality, he buried his body down deep into the sands and stared up at the sky through the surface of the waters. He wished he knew how much time had gone by – it could have been hours, it could have been days, it could have been a year, for all he knew. Zach never knew anymore. But he stared, never once moving, and thought about his lover. He moved the stars above him, he watched as they shifted and changed, the galaxies twirling to create perfect renderings of Chris’s eyes. 

Zach had thought that the pain might subside. He thought that perhaps, if he stayed there, and if the sands swallowed him down, that the pain might be sucked out from the pit of his chest. But it never stopped. The longer he stared, the longer he saw Chris’s likeness in the swirling colors above him, the more intense the ache became, until he was sure he might die all over again. Always over and over again.

He didn’t want to – Zach wished, truly, that he could have stayed away – but as he lay there in the sands, he couldn’t help but close his eyes and picture the bright, vibrant red door of Chris’s home. He tried to ignore the rushing feeling that overtook his gut as he thought of it, keeping his eyes closed, that feeling of flying overtaking his form, attempting to deny what felt like solid ground suddenly appearing beneath his feet. He knew where he had gone. 

Eyes squeezed shut – he reached his hand forward, cringing at what he might find. His fingertips grazed over the distinct feeling of wood and he shuddered out a breath. Zach’s eyes opened slowly, revealing the red door his hand was braced against. His lips parted slightly, as he curled his fingers, nails digging into the paint as a tear slipped down his cheek. He had tried, but he could never stay away. He pushed the door, not even touching the handle, and watched as it opened for him with ease, revealing a dark, empty hallway. 

Zach didn’t even think before he was inside the door and up the stairs, not wanting to even think about what damage he could cause, or why that door still opened for him at all. Instead, against all better judgment, he trudged through Chris’s bedroom door. 

The tightness in his chest when his eyes fell on Chris’s sleeping form was almost unbearable. Zach had no idea how long it had actually been, but it felt like a goddamn millennium since he had last seen Chris’s face. He didn’t think as he dropped to his knees beside the bed, and let his hand run along Chris’s cheek. 

“Oh, Chris…” Zach whimpered softly, feeling as Chris nuzzled his cheek up into Zach’s touch as he dozed. Zach tried to pretend it hadn’t happened; he tried to pretend that he couldn’t actually feel Chris’s stubble beneath his fingers. He told himself that it felt just like it had the very first time he had come here, fingers grazing over the blonde’s skin as if it were air. He pretended because of course, Chris couldn’t see him or know he was here, because he and Chris were on separate planes. And there was no way that any of what he was doing was possible. But Zach had never been a particularly good liar. 

Zach rested his head against the mattress and continued his gentle strokes along Chris’s cheek and jaw. He stared at his beautiful, sleeping face, and let the tightness in his chest release slowly. He wondered for a moment if Lily had already come, he wondered what lovely dream the woman had given him, wondered if Chris was happy now. Zach truly hoped he was. 

He smiled as Chris sighed softly, but the grin fell from his lips slowly as he stared. With a gentle, apologetic tone, he whispered out into the darkness.

“I’m sorry I failed you…”

“No…” Chris groaned out in his sleep. Zach blinked his eyes slowly, reveling into the gentle lull of Chris’s voice. 

He let his fingers continue to graze along Chris’s arm, pretending that his fingertips didn’t leave a trail of goosebumps in their wake. Zach opened his eyes half way, watching idly as Chris’s brow furrowed slightly, pressing his face softly into his pillow and groaning again. 

“No…” 

Zach licked his lips, turning his eyes back to the arm his fingers had been paying so much attention. His head still resting on the soft mattress, he ran his hand along Chris’s bicep idly, fingers moving down along it, softly grazing the skin of the forearm that was kept close to Chris’s chest. But as he neared Chris’s wrist, his face dropped, brows furrowing as they rested on the hand that Chris kept pulled in close to his chest. 

Inside Chris’s loose, sleepy grip was a small, velvet, red pouch.

Zach’s eyes widened, fingers freezing instantly as he stared at the bag. 

He vaguely remembered the last time he had come here. He vaguely, just vaguely remembered tossing his pouch of sand down to the floor before taking Chris by the shoulders. His eyes stayed trained on the pouch gripped in Chris’s fingers. 

It couldn’t be…

“I miss you…” Chris’s sleeping form whispered brokenly into the silence. 

Zach’s fingers still rested idly on Chris’s forearm as he stared, waiting with baited breath to see if Chris would speak again. 

“I’ll… find you…” the blonde murmured quietly. 

Zach yanked his hand back quickly, standing up and away from the bed, noting that Chris’s eyelids had begun to flutter with wakefulness. 

“You can’t.” Zach whispered firmly, closing his eyes just as Chris’s began to open. 

The last thing he heard before he turned to exit the bedroom was Chris’s slight, soft, questioning murmur of his name. 

_”Zach…?”_

****

::

Fumbling through Chris’s front door, he tumbled back into his realm. He fell down to his knees as he tripped out of the doorway, bracing himself on his hands as he let his eyes raise and scan over the millions of doors that appeared, flowed, moved, and disappeared around him. He turned his head back, eyes fixating on the red door behind him that had yet to disappear, before plopping back to sit cross-legged in front of it, like the world’s most pathetic guard dog. He hung his head and threaded his hands through his hair, bracing his head against his arms.

He supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised when a pair of red, kitten heels appeared at the base of his vision. 

“Here to lecture me?” He asked weakly. 

“No.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t.” She replied firmly, clearly not ready to hear anything he had to tell her. She didn’t wait before leaning down and placing her fingers underneath Zach’s chin to raise his gaze up to her. 

“Chris… he isn’t doing great. He sleeps all the time now. And he’s… well, frankly, I have no explanation for it. But he is… actively rejecting any dreams that _aren’t_ about you.” 

Zach blinked absently up at her, her words slamming into him like a wall. He furrowed his brow. What was she trying to tell him? 

“I’ve never seen anything like it. A dreamer rejecting a dream." She said flatly. "I mean, it isn’t uncommon for people to contort the dreams they’re given, make them fit their subconscious more appropriately. But he doesn’t do that. He doesn’t contort the dreams I give him, no, he discards them. He will actually waken if a dream isn’t to his liking. And by to his liking, I mean, if a dream isn’t about you.” 

“I…” Zach started, before he closed his mouth, unsure of exactly what he could even say to her. 

“I don’t…" Lily paused, licking her lips slowly as she glanced at the ground, then back up at Zach's face. "Honestly, I don’t even know…” She muttered with a shake of her head. “I don’t know what you did, or if… or if he did it. But I’m pretty sure there’s no going back.” 

“…What do we do? I didn’t _mean_ for this to happen, I swear…” Zach said with desperation, shaking his head, eyes full and pleading with her. Imploring her urgently to give him an answer, a solution, anything at all to make this okay. 

“I know you didn’t. But I don’t think there’s much to be done now. At this point, we let things run their course…” 

Zach stared up at her, his eyes searching her face for any sort of hint or clue, but it was like stone. She never was one to give much away. He began to stand, about to ask her what she meant, what did that mean, what could they do now? But the words stuck to his tongue, refusing to come out as he watched her fade from view in front of him. Her final words were simply, 

“You two were never easy…” 

****

::


	10. Resignation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chris and Zach give up.

Zach didn’t go back… He was too afraid, too scared of screwing up again. The time away felt… well, he didn’t know how long it was… but it felt like an eternity. Felt longer than before. It felt empty. Something felt truly different this time. The ache in his chest that tended to persist was now only dull and empty feeling. The pain had shifted to a deep and hollow longing that told him that something was different, something was very wrong, something that meant that things were never going to be the same. 

The sands had done nothing for him during this time. Standing atop the mountain’s peak, with the sand spread out at his feet, he glared at it all. With determination, and a hint of bitter frustration, Zach grabbed a handful of sand and stared at it, willing it to come alive before him. But it did nothing. No matter how focused his thoughts, no matter how vivid the memories in his head were, the sands didn’t even stir, didn’t buzz, didn’t even glimmer. And Zach was angry. He was so fucking angry. Because nothing could ever just be simple, could it? Nothing could ever just happen how it was meant to happen, could it? 

He threw the handful of sand as hard as he could, hoping he might see it glimmer as it fell along the mountain’s face, but it merely faded from view in the blackness around him, the grains flopping back to the ground to join the millions of other lifeless particles that surrounded him. He stood there in the comatose dunes, shoulders quaking as the anger and upset and emptiness thrummed through him. He let out a scream that he felt could have torn the flesh from his bones if he had willed it to. The sound tore out from his chest, swallowed almost instantly by the darkness around him, not even an echo gracing him as it died. He huffed in the silence, before a soft voice broke his thoughts. 

“It’s over…” She said from behind him. Zach didn’t even turn to face her. 

“What’s over?” 

“He’s gone.” 

_That_ got his attention. He turned around quickly. 

“What do you mean ‘gone’?” He demanded. 

Lily held her hand up gently, reaching forward to offer it if Zach wished its comfort. But he wouldn’t take it. 

“Sandman. Zach.” She started hesitantly, voice waffling between comforting, concerned, and pained. “Chris is dead.”

Zach’s brow wrinkled, his mouth sinking into a tight frown. He shook his head. 

“Fuck you.” He muttered, turning away from her quickly, turning his attention back to the lifeless sands before him. He stared at all the grains, willing them with every pathetic ounce of emotion and power within his soul to come alive for him, like they always had, like they had before. But they didn’t. They wouldn’t. 

“I’m sorry, Zach.” 

He grit his teeth fiercely, cursing the tears that were suddenly in his eyes as he threaded his fingers down into the sands below him and scooped some up. He sniffled and gave a quick shake of his head. 

“Do you mind?” he muttered, trying to ignore the tears in his voice, “I’m trying to build.” 

“You can’t build right now…” She explained tentatively.

“Not if you keep bugging me…” he hissed out, bringing some of the sands close to his mouth to blow on them. But when he did, they were unresponsive and grey, falling from his hand in a lifeless pile in front of him. 

“You can’t build. You don’t have a dreamer to build for right now…” 

Zach’s mouth quivered as a silent tear slid down his cheek. 

“You’re… you’re lying…” he grit out, body still turned away from her, hands clenched tightly. 

“No…” 

He broke. 

Zach choked out a sob, falling to his knees as the pain in his gut twisted and wrenched, trying to rend him limb from limb. Lily was already beside him, arms around his shaking shoulders as he wept.

He sputtered, hanging his head, his hair falling over his face as he watched the tears fall from his eyes and onto the sand below. Zach coughed, attempting to quell the sobs as he tried his best to speak. 

“But… but that’s okay…” he said, as if pleading with her. “It’s okay… Because he’s… he’ll come here, too, right?” 

Lily said nothing.

“Right?!” Zach demanded, as she turned her gaze from him, her grip releasing from his shoulders. 

“Maybe. I don’t know…” 

“How can you not know?” 

“Suicides are different…” She whispered helplessly. 

“…Sui-suicides?” He questioned exasperatedly, eyes staring at her wild and afraid. 

Lily simply nodded. 

Zach shook his head, pushing away from her as he moved to sit, pulling his knees to his chest. His pants were coated with the lifeless sand. He saw the way it clung to the fabric and he startled, hands suddenly beginning to brush and rake over the pant legs frantically. He pushed and swatted desperately, trying to get every last dead and lifeless granule away from him, as if every last one was a piece of a corpse, a dead memory clinging to him. Lily just looked at him with concern on her features. 

“I’ll…” She started with a whisper, but didn’t continue, staring down at Zach struggling to rid himself of the sands that surrounded him. “I’m sorry, Zach…” But Zach didn’t respond, still focused on the grains that threatened to swarm him.

****

::

Zach sat atop the mountain motionlessly, his hands having long given up the fight against the grains that clung to his body. They stuck to his skin, his clothes, his hair. His tears had long since ceased, his eyes instead staring dully and listlessly down at the sandy dunes at the base of the mountain. From the middle of the sands, water began to bubble up, seeping through the granules like an overflowing drain. The valley below him filled quickly, the waters already sloshing and frothing as the tides began to form. Zach could smell the salt, as the water level rose, inching its way up towards his body.

As the ocean rose, swallowing the peak of the mountaintop and engulfing him, the sand grains stuck along his clothes and skin began to detach, their dead, crystalline carcasses floating off into the watery abyss that surrounded him. He watched them idly as they began to drift away, the water level rising up and covering his shoulders, up over his neck, and over his head. The grains had all but disappeared and Zach closed his eyes, letting the waters take him too, drifting him up towards the surface slowly. 

He breached the surface of the water gently, lying out on his back in the waves, arms spread and staring up at the empty blackness above him. He wanted to see stars, he wanted to see the galaxies, but he didn’t have the heart to make them come anymore. Instead, he watched as the darkness above him waved and lapped like the empty, black ocean he floated in. He exhaled slowly, knowing that each breath he breathed didn’t matter, he felt the heaviness seep back into his body. Felt the weight seep in through his skin, pooling in him as it burdened him down. He felt the swells pull him down, water seeping into his ears, covering his face, and tugging him under. 

The weight inside him drug him down for what felt like miles and miles of ever-darkening ocean waters, until finally, his body hit the bottom with a soft thud, the sands puffing out beneath him as he did. He felt cemented down against this ocean floor, staring up through the abyss that had swallowed him whole. As he inhaled, the water rushing through his lungs, the salt stinging over his tongue, he blinked hard and vowed he would not move from this space for the rest of his existence. 

He hadn’t known that one could long to not exist. 

Maybe he had gone mad. Maybe here – at the bottom of his ocean – he had finally detached himself from the tenuous grip he had had on this realm. Maybe if he breathed the salt long enough, he would become it. Body disintegrating and eroding like the sandy ocean floor. 

Maybe this was Hell. 

Zach’s eyes slipped closed and he pretended he could hear the steady thumping of the heart in his chest that would never beat again. He pretended he could feel the blood pumping through his veins, ringing in his ears. 

As he lay there, still, arms still spread, body planted against the ocean floor, he let the steady beat of the heart he didn’t have lull him. He could feel it, he truly could, he could feel the reverberation of it in his ears. He could… feel the ground shaking beneath him with each pulse. 

Wait. 

His eyes snapped open, staring up through the abyss above him at the faintest glimmer of a star in the rippling sky above. His eyes trained on it as the constant thump-thump-thump grew louder and more sure. With a furrowed brow he sat up slowly, head still craned back to watch the sky that sloshed above him through the surface of the water. 

“This place is really something…” a voice mumbled out from behind him. 

Zach froze, and the flowing waters around him stilled instantly. He knew that voice. He knew that tremulous and tender voice. 

There was a moment when he was terrified to turn his head, too afraid of what he might see, too afraid that he might see nothing. Too nervous that perhaps he really had gone mad. But as he craned his head around, his eyes landed on a thin, masculine figure behind him. He had blonde hair and cerulean eyes that shone like beacons in the watery depths. 

The water drained in an instant, rushing out from around him in less than the time it took for Zach to blink, but his eyes stayed fixated on the figure before him that smiled ever so gently. 

“Chris….” 

“Yeah…” the blonde mumbled, hand rubbing at the back of his neck as his shoe toyed with the sands beneath him. 

Zach shook his head again, lips parting as he let out a shaking breath. 

“What did you do?” he whispered, voice threatening to break with each syllable he uttered. 

Chris’s face softened as he gazed back at Zach. With a lick of his lips, he took a tentative step closer to the dark haired man, craning his head, determination in his brow. 

“I told you I would find you…” 

His voice was hushed but unwavering. In that instant, the sky had exploded, erupting in bright blues and golds and yellows, bathing the two of them in a haze of glimmer and light. Illuminating each and every gorgeous feature on Chris’s face. 

Zach didn’t wait another minute, scrambling over himself, fingers digging into the sands as he shoved his legs up under his body and hurled himself forward. He collided against Chris in a flurry of limbs and sand, arms wrapping around his companion immediately, holding him tight against him, his body firm and _there_. Chris’s own arms had enveloped him in return, fingers gripping desperately at his back, pressing into Zach as if he were his only support. 

Zach couldn’t help the sob that slipped past his lips as he buried his face in Chris’s neck. Arms moving, never stopping as they touched Chris, running over his back, fingers in his hair, as Chris returned each grip with gusto before pulling his face away quickly. Zach was ready to protest, ready to drag that boy’s body flush against his own again, until Chris slammed their lips together. 

They kissed as if they were starved, kissed as if the only thing that might ever save the two of them was the touch of the other’s mouth. Zach kissed him as if Chris were the only breath of air to a drowning man. It was hard and fast and frantic until their lips felt bruised and sore from the desperate, yearning force spilling from him. But Zach wouldn’t stop, couldn’t stop, not when Chris was standing in front of him, fingers threaded through Zach’s dark locks, mouth attached to his as if to tell Zach that he hadn’t gone mad, that he was there, and that the two of them were never meant to be apart in the first place. 

The thrumming in Zach’s ears had faded, replaced by the sweet sound of their mouths moving against each other’s, unnecessary breaths huffing out into the space between them. They slowed, arms still wrapped firm, and lips so closely pressed that a separation might destroy them, but despite it, they paused. Their lips broke apart with a small breath, mouths still just grazing each other’s as Zach dared to open his eyes. 

He couldn’t deny the jump in his chest when Chris’s blue eyes met his own. But it faded to sweet relief as Chris’s words hushed between them. 

“I knew it was you…” the blonde mumbled brokenly against Zach’s lips, shaking his head slightly. “I knew.” 

Zach stared into Chris’s eyes, watching as they welled up, a small tear streaking down his cheek as he pulled away slightly. 

“I always knew… I knew you’d never leave me…” 

Zach ran his hands up Chris’s neck, pulling their foreheads together softly as his own eyes slid closed, attempting to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill. 

“Never.” Zach whispered firmly before pressing his lips back to Chris’s urgently. He pulled away slowly, hands still gripping Chris’s neck. “I never meant…” he started, unable to finish as he gazed at Chris. 

Chris simply shook his head and hugged him again, pulling him close against his body, his lips grazing over Zach’s neck as they stood. His eyes drifted up, catching sight of the swirling, brightly colored stars and milky ways raging above them. 

“It’s beautiful.” The blonde muttered softly, arms still gripping Zach tightly. Zach smiled hard, running his hand along Chris’s neck and pulling his lips back down to press against his own. 

****

::


	11. Epilogue

Christopher Pine died on a Tuesday. 

In his home in Los Angeles, California.

Christopher Pine died 4 months, 7 days, 3 hours, 27 minutes and 9 seconds after the death of Zachary Quinto. He goes by Zach and is listed on file as Christopher’s soul mate. 

Time after Chris’s death would have been catalogued, if not for the fact that reunited soul mates have no need for time after death. Time after death was an eternity, and at the end of the day, eternity is all that soul mates have. 

****

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading! This story was _such_ a pleasure to write. I've always wanted to participate in a Big Bang challenge, and doing so in this fandom has just been a treasure. 
> 
> A special thanks goes out to my wonderful artists: [kanarek13](http://kanarek13.livejournal.com), who made the art seen in the story, and [camellie](http://camellie.livejournal.com) who created the fanmix for this work! You two are incredible and it was SO fun working with you. MWUAH. 
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts on this story! There were parts I felt may be too rambly, or that perhaps I wasn't describing things as well as I hoped. I'd love to hear any feedback, concrit, or comments you have! 
> 
> Thanks for reading, y'all. 
> 
> You can find me on livejournal at [x_carnivale_x](http://x_carnivale_x.livejournal.com).
> 
> I also have a [tumblr](http://commodorecliche.tumblr.com)


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